Do i even have the right..

I was very mean to bb last nite. What was supposed to be a short, quick, simple goodnite turned into an argument about self-worth and ambitions. I have myself to blame. I think i expect too much from her. Not seeing her as what she is and what she had already proven to be.

All these years i've been expecting so many things. Of her and of course, myself. Some practical, and others, probably ridiculous when i think about it now. But i crossed the line last night when i deliberately put her down with words that, as i am recalling it now, i shudder. And she did not even try to defend herself. So i poked till the seams could stand no longer.

When she did respond, my reaction was almost reflex. Total shut down. Sigh..how typical. To push her away, and shut her off. So unfair, so bullish. So me. My excuse being the need to sleep as work starts in 5 hours. I should have tried to sleep...

Been behaving quite erratic lately. Bitchy even. Exploding for no apparent reasons and getting quite impatient towards my significant other. Weird thing is i'd realize how crappy im being and the best that i can do is to tone down the angst or restrain the bitch. But only for that moment.

I have yet to find out why this is happening. Im suspecting stress, but it only sounds like another excuse. I cannot deny nor can i confirm that i have the disease. Stop stealing my smiles, please? And bb's? It hurts.

So who can i blame? I sure would not want it to be me but i can't help but feel that i somehow have a deeper, much closer relationship with that illness. If only i can say that without sounding pathetic. Unnecessary pressure and expectation to succeed or rather to break out from the cycle that which im currently existing in.

I believe in the theory that, if you're middle-class, you'll most probably stay middle-class all your life. And so would your offspring. So if you're below that, you'd most probably stay that way too. Unless of course, if afew exceptionally skilled or talented individuals do perform incredibly well in a certain area then things might turn out differently for that particular party. Its either that or sheer hard work. Or luck.

Vicious? I agree. Impossible? No.

So u toil. And toil. And work very hard.

And then? Go think about it. Im sure everyone has their own tale to tell.

Anyway, back to my bb and the unfortunate incident early this morning. Forgive me if i accuse you of being less than the wonderful, caring and considerate girlfriend that you are. I could not fit in all the adjectives i can think of or this entry mite stretch till next month. Still, i believe He has something planned for you and somehow or rather you always never cease to surprise me so take your time and when it eventually comes, i wish you all the happiness and satisfaction you can get in whatever it is that you are pursuing. Insya-Allah.

You have the potential and the qualities. But drive? Nonetheless, you'll always have my support dear. Eventhough it was distinctively absent last night..i promise you it would not happen again.

I only have you, and you, me. Let's work on Us like we've always done ok sayang?

Maaf b?