melayu bongok!

it was a really sleepy day when a call came in, " Uhhhh (ala patrick from SpongeBob), ixciiuuuuze mee, yeuw cuhn cherk four mee or nok hao cuhm threer chaaaargez four my mobile telephoooone? Wai yuu all anyhow chaaarge me?" i felt like i was slapped awake.

A 40+ makcik had rudely demonstrated one of the worst possible sounds from a person. The teloh-tak-menjadi or cannot-make-it slang. Like the bagpipe - its simply irritating, period.

My ears had difficulty making out her pseudo-american slang. I had a hunch the conversation is not gonna go smooth.

[at this point i'm too upset to continue in english]

kimek, aper siak ni makcik nak bual step omputih???? kirakan aku impressed ah, takot ah? Takyah nak belit2 ah bual..macam menyusahkan diri engkau jer kan? Nampak sah aku melayu siak! Kiwak kalau ko memangla pandai, ko kalau dengar aku bual da bleh tau per.

Nyampah siak orang gini. Lagik2 yg muda2 tak sedar diri beh nak bual pekat step paris hilton. U noe, yg penuh ngan like-like. Eg: " di'en u knoww, loike, i jezz caim bark frum LA (Lor AhSoo gaknyer), uhnd loike, it wuz farckin Hot o'er ther', loike u knoew, burnin n awL "

No, i don't knoewwww. Please repeat in a language im familiar with. Paris hilton? Kulit dala cam paris hilton nyer anjing! And they would refuse to converse in their mother tongue cos they think their mom's lidah is not worthy of their supposed mental capacity.

Case in point, this acquaintance of me & Bb. Dia cakap dier tak makan "Berlaaarchien". Dat time tengah makan kat Spize opposite Kepoh Road. Ikotkan hati nak lempah jer garpu kat dahi dier.

meh isap "Kohhw-Nerck" meh. Which i wouldnt cos takot gigi-kopek-klapa dier tergigit putus alat kelamin ku. And niza wouldnt be too pleased wit that either. Both the ripping and the act beforehand.

I believe it is much harder to speak VERY fluent MALAY as i find it quite different from the way we speak it at home(as u can see from this chapalang entry). It takes more skill and i should say, talent. Eg: Najib Ali – macam sedap gitu dengar dier bual melayu kan?

Back to that makcik: Yg paling aku takleh accept is biler aku slang balik while explaining pasal HP kotek dier, dier bingit!! Dier kata dier susah nak paham, beh suroh aku takyah nak 'extra' English sangat.

Siallah!!! Kata trailer bas besar, Kata dier aku EXTRA???

I was explaining how to send an SMS la fuck!!! like put in a 3-letter code IC, then send to another number. And i know how to operate her mobile cos she was using a Samsung D820! I have that fone! So how fucking difficult can it be for u to understand if i can show u step-by-step from Menu??

Dala BEBAL, OTAK MATI, SOMBONG, TAK SEDAR DIRI!! tak lama lagik ajal pon taktau tengok muka kat cermin kepe? Kalau otak tu da lembab, da mintak antar scrap, jgn susahkan orang lain pakai handphone! Gi simpan duit tu buat tempah plot kat pusara aman!

Beh starting macam mana peh terror jer. Sudala, orang macam gini bual macam paham. Biler da stun, otak da block, teros bual melayu baik2 mintak tolong. Nasib ko baik maseh ader orang yg tau sabar.

Sigh, next time aku dengar orang bual cam gini confirm aku siapkan garpu. Sudu pon sudula...yg penting tu bender aku cacak kat hidong!

I was so fucking angry just now. My colleague almost mistook me for Tyrese (cehh..nak Tyrese jer!) cos of my super-black face!

Its Fri and im meeting Bb later! At Last! Lucky its the weekend now, and i am abit more tolerant of such insolence.

So to the rest of u lovely beings...have a pleasant weekend too!

[Its 6pm and i cant wait to run off!]

Roooonery...im so rooonery...

[title: not talking about a certain angry English player!]

[I am alone in the office. Everyone's out. I'm bored.]

i decided to clean my ears but found that the cu-tip(how the hell does that spell anyway?) couldn't fit inside. Alarmed, i thought my ears shrank(shrunk?shronk?). Took a look at my cu-tip(u get the idea) and realised why.

The tips were like light bulbs!

Huge, white, cottony bulbs. They were more than 2 times the normal size. Like swollen like dat! (Hehe..swollen tips. now wouldn't that be a thought)

So, anyway, i used it to clean my belly-button. Worked like a charm.

I may not hear very well now, but I'm belly clean.

Wanted to shit after that but saw lots of hair on the rim of the seat.
Someone had shed their pubes on the seat. Lots of it. I made a quick "ke-belakang-pusing" and made my way back to the office.

I don't want to be caught leaving my favourite toilet with fur all over. You know, like, after u pee in a really filthy toilet and when the next person who took over that toilet *joins u at the washbasin, he would start looking at u all funny.

See? People will look at me funny. One look and they'll know i'm not only losing hair on top but those in storage as well.

Lucky i can shit at will (It must stink to be Mr Will). I will tahan till lunch time. Or until i smell something really bad.


* we guys pee VERY fast. Our jets of piss have been known to crack urinals.

Where's my candy?

Had school yesterday but had no idea whatever-the-hell cheecher was cheeching. Wondered what my notes were for when none of it had anything to do with what he was talking about. Conveniently, he told us to source for books and notes from the net.

So what am i paying you for?

Cheecher:- What is Supply Chain? Definition:

"the management of all internal and external processes or functions necessary to satisfy a customer's order (from raw materials through conversion / manufacture through shipment)" - Supply Chain Council, 1999.

Me:-
I tried squinting; English...please....
I lifted my eyebrows; something tells me its important.
I scratched my head; pls brain...wake up!
I glanced around; classmates smiling blankly.

Good, I'm not alone.

Cheecher:-
"Remember guys, when the exam asks you for a definition of SC, this is by far the best definition."

No smiles, just nervous grins now. Like the swallow on my head, I'm dead.

So i googled. Try reading this.

If you know what's going on, tell me. Better still, teach me! I won't pay you but u'll get a trophy for being Smartest Showoff in the World (a rare breed indeed).

Ok, lets now talk about something else. Something more serious but frustrating-er.

I received a message in Friendster from a girl called kanndee. A cute white girl sending me a message. How adorable. Its was innocent enough until i checked out her homepage.

Innocent nyer...

I hate it when i kena cheated go pornsite! I am more than capable of going to one myself! Lucky my boss not behind. Wait she think it's Bb how?

How it got into Friendster also i donno la. But i think kanndee won't be the last. I just hope the next time this happens, the gerl is cuter. [*evil laugh*]

Okok..i seriously need to be serious now. Serious ah? Serious!!! No seriously, i'm serious now.

I need 5K. (5000 Sing Dollars in case you jokers wanna pull that Rupiah crap on me) Loan is for reasons i shall only disclose upon a proper face-to-face meeting or discussion. Proposed repayment method: $500/month for 10 consecutive months starting early Sept till June 2007.

Fat hope right? But what the heck. Maybe a rich soon-to-be-dead tycoon comes across this and makes a donation how? Must try mah...

Ok la, have a great week ahead!!! Or atleast try to.

And to spice things up, i am wishing for kanndee to show up on your monitor infront of your boss.

Dont make me jab my thumb in!

I love picking my nose.

I love the fact that ALL my fingers can reach inside and do the necessary (no, not all AT ONCE, though the thought really excites me). I'm proud my nostrils are that flexible. Yes, even the thumbs, though it doesn't do much but i appreciate the fact that it can fit. Sometimes i do it to make sure it still fits. You know, in case i lose some fingers, it can take over the responsibility.

Nothing beats the feel of a freshly dug nose. The way crap collects under your nails as u probe and shovel your way through, can make any monotonous journey livelier.

Pearlyta hates it when i korek my idong. She says everybody's looking whenever i launch a dig. And she'll cringe and push my fingers away.

"So?" Not stopping but noticed an auntie with eyes like plates and mouth agape staring at me. "Not like she's gonna help me dig right?" giving my usual straight-faced retort.

And even if you would, its offensive. You're stealing the few joys in life that this sordid, sorry world can offer.

How would you feel if i suddenly come up to you and stabbed my thumb in your nose?

Not only would it hurt (cos we can't be sure if all nostrils fit my thumb), but its an outrage of modesty! Yes, like rape! Anyhow put ur digits up people's holes; siao! So disrespectful. Of cos, its a diff matter if u got permission la. However, its MY hole and only I can meet its requirements.

You love travelling? You love discovering new cultures and exploring diff places? Then i trust you dig your nose lots too! Cos its the same!

You go in, you search and you discover! What more do you need? Its conveniently located on the middle of your face (for some, it may be sliiiiiightly senget but no worries, just stretch more) And if you hit jackpot, Congrats! you can now practise shooting! What a better way to spend the afternoon or a boring bus ride??

Don't you just hate such discriminations? Its like, come on man, my hole sia..MY HOLE. Let me do watever the blardy hell i want with it! You don't like you close your eyes loh. Not like i'm doing it in front of your face wat? (Another thought that excites me. I can almost imagine creeping up to that auntie and tap her shoulder with my index fingers halfway up my snout. And hers is about an inch away. )

Fine, i know it's disgusting. Especially if you have that flicker of an urge to know how it tastes like today. And you're not sure if you should just gulp it now or save it for later.

But hey, most of the time i do it out of necessity. Or just to irritate Bb.(im such a Bb-Terrorist!) I would like to make it a hobby but i can't because there's only so much that you can dig. Before you know it, it's done. And you're back to being bored. It doesn't give much long-term satisfaction but that few seconds of high is definitely bliss. (it shows when ur nose glows red...like after climax like dat!)

How many of you ever had a booger flapping in your nose? Like those streamer-thingys people stick on air-con vents, u know, to check if its working. I despise those as much as i despise tea (tea is to me as kryptonite is to Mr Kent).

Its not there when u inhale but tickles you just enough to let u know its there when u breathe out. And its almost always DEEP inside that you can barely reach it. And you'll be making piggy faces at the mirror in search of that sneaky bastard! But careful, dont dig too deep. Wait you poke your eye then how?

You look left, you look right but your nose hairs get in the way. So your fingers decide to penetrate into enemy territory:-

Alpha 1: "Eagle 2, Maintain recon status. Bravo 3, you're clear to proceed."
Eagle 2: "Roger that Alpha 1."
Bravo 2: "Affirmative Alpha 1, we're goin in."
[You start to huff and puff your nose just in case. You find it only irritates more.]

Alpha 1: "Eagle 2, what's your status? Any visual on Tango?"
Eagle 2: "Negative on the visuals Alpha 1. We are experiencing a lot of static on radar. Its deep jungle out here, sir."
Alpha 1: "Roger that Eagle 2, switch to infra-red scanning. Bravo 3, wat's your status?"
Bravo 3: "Still no luck sir. Its gonna take some time through this vegetation."
Alpha 1: "Keep your eyes open gentlemen. He's out there somewhere."
[Your face looks like crumpled prata as u dig-dig and look-see-look-see]

Bravo 3: "Alpha 1, we have visual! I repeat, we have visual! Tango sighted! Permission to engage sir!"
Alpha 1: "Affirmative Bravo 3, affirmative! Maintain your objective; search and destroy all targets! Eagle 2, proceed to support stations!"
Eagle 2: "Yes sir! Eagle 2 proceeding now!"
[You feel something at the tip of your finger and you desperately try to latch on to it ]

Bravo 3: "Tango down! Tango down! Alpha 1, target compromised."
Alpha 1: "Eagle 2, proceed to waypoint, 'Delta-Papa zero-niner-zero-three', for pickup. Bravo 3, transport targets over to 'Charlie-Lima zero-two-seven-one'. Get your asses home gentlemen. Well done."
[Another booger excavated, another mission accomplished. All in a day's work]

See! Can become adventure! Fun right?

By now i'm sure you've jumped the gun and assume i'm an inconsiderate, disgusting and probably smelly nose-picking junkie, shooting my nose crap everywhere.

I'm not. At least for the last part. But i have deodorant and i do help the poor if i have extra cash (which comes by everytime i see a dancing hippo).

I take very good care of where and when i drop my boogers. I realise not everyone share the same sentiments and most of them (incl. Bb) prefer to shun this normal human act. Hide it all you want but i'm not gonna suffocate myself if theres too much shit blocking my breath.

I'll do it whenever and wherever!

At this point im afraid i'll be getting many weird looks from a lot of my friends but its ok. As a gesture of goodwill, i'll dig your nose next time we meet.

I should be horny too...

I have been forced to pen an entry after so long. The trigger was when Bb said my blog's getting stale.

Am i stale? [can see Bb raising arm..]

I realise its useless asking all of u questions as my comment section is not serving its purpose. Like my ex-colleague; Totally redundant.

She's gone to the States to pursue a degree in medicine. Or was it Australia for business? Big dreams that one.

Wait a minute...she did ask me once how to rename a folder (on the pc!).

And i can vividly remember how she panicked when she printed a whole years' (1 page = 1 day's report) worth of data and pretended it was deliberate. 2 trees died without a cause that day.

Hmm...

Many people are blessed with the tenacity to pursue their ambitions. Some just lack capacity.

She finally left for greener pastures. That was wat my ex-colleague said...no kidding. With her around, the only colour you would see is red.

[Adjusting a framed pic of Bb and me. No fair, I can't see my face.]

Did you know that pearlyta is a helluv-an-irritating female when she has a good night's rest?

Her purpose in life now is to annoy me cos she knows i have a very short fuse nowadays. And she'll be playing along that fine line between being manja-tating and a fly.

I wish there's a Bb-gon (Baygon la..) so i can spray her everytime she pinches my ass, drums my belly or pulls my shirt to show-off my tummy. All this in the peak-hour train crowd.

Somehow its funny to her! And knowing me for so long gives her the advantage to pull or let go. Sensing my eyebrows curling together, she'll start doing something ridiculous. Which i'll crack up every time! The woman has me wrapped around her fingers people.

I'm pearlyta-trained! ( she's left a seal of approval at my u-know-where with her u-know-what by u-know-how.)


**And she's really horny nowadays. Like, REALLY HoRnY! (ok i'll stop this here. For now.)


Have i told you guys i've started school? Apart from not knowing wats going on every time and not knowing anybody, im doing really well.

Just look confident and knowledgeable (must step-paham!) and nobody will question u. I learnt that from Nora. (at this point i would love to elaborate wat i did in school but as i mentioned earlier, i don't have a clue wat's going on.)

Last Saturday i wanted to get a new t-shirt cos i hadn't been home since Friday ( kinda like a weekend routine now. Kindly refer to **) and my Friday-top is starting to smell but i couldn't find anything i like. And Bb thinks any t-shirt worth more than $30 is way too expensive.

I see myself going topless soon.

Pass me some black trash bags and scissors. Looking on the bright side; black can hide my tummysaurus - my belly has a name now, and my love handles are Eugene and Daud - and i can do away with umbrellas!

So i got meself a supposedly funky and popular haircut. U know, the crop-at-the-side-but-leave-the-middle-part-alone cut. If not for the few hairs i have left, my middle part would have been really alone.

But the stylist was not done wit just the usual snip and trim. He had to show off his creative skills and made me a swallow's tail at the base of the back of my hair. A swallow's tail?? WICKED!! Why didn't i think of that? I've always wanted to look like a cock bird! Who wouldn't wanna look like a bird, man? Or bird-man! I would! Hey i SWALLOW ok! (Bb, pls refer to **)

And what did i say? “ Why not!? ” Of all the times not to think before asking. It was almost rhetorical but you shouldn't say that to a man with scissors. Especially someone who obviously loves to, pardon the pun (can't help it la!), swallows!

Fucking hell i've got a swallow's ass on my head.

It looks sorta ok i guess(by that i mean i don't scare children) but the drawback is i had a similar one a few years ago (definitely without a bird's arse). And it looked much livelier and pretty then. However, after 2 days trying to style it, i think i have a dead pigeon stuck on my head.

Pretty late to think about it now. How?

Damage Control! (courtesy of Ola..) I shall invest in HATS! (does "Buah Keras" work on the head?)

I should have just got myself a shirt.

OK, ok, my entry's getting too long. Would love to continue but i have Bb to entertain. (**!!!)

Where was i?

i should be updating my blog shouldn't i?




u mean i did?




already?










Neat.

Try to keep up pls?

Just something I’ve been adding day after day. Sorry, my focus abit koyak!

i can vaguely remember one of our politicians (quite a prominent one i think) telling us a while back that in the wake of the asian economy crisis, we should not be fussy when looking for jobs. he had raised many issues, we, as citizens can do to counter the effects of the then numerous lay-offs and pay-cuts that alot of us were going thru.

some of what he said was really useful; informing the numerous welfare organisations if there is a need for financial assistance for school-going children, or the setting-up of organisations to upgrade mature workers.

but there's a particular matter which im not so hot about. he said we should not be choosy when looking for a job, and try not to put distance to the workplace as a factor. particularly those with lower qualifications.

of course not. especially with the raising public transport costs, why would i even put that into consideration?

i do not drive. and getting to and fro from one place to another via the buses, trains and the occasional taxis are the norm for me. and i tell you, how i wish i need not budget or cringe everytime i hear my ez-link card beep.

its getting mighty expensive to move around. and people on top don't know/might never know/would do anything about it.

i wanted to put a link to one of our newspapers about an interview that was made among their journalists and i think, 3, of our potential MPs but as usual, i couldnt (fine, i dont know how to). not sure if u guys can recall, but it made quite a huge spread that interview. 2-3 pages if im not wrong.

among the questions that were thrown equally to each interviewee was, " how much does it cost to take a public transport to town? "(do not quote me on this, i can hardly remember much, only that the issue made quite an impression.)

all 3 said $1. i can give it to them since they were all drivers. (meaning they drive, in their cars, not as a profession)

but it did strike a chord with me after i put the paper down afterwards. $1? now, why would anyone complain or gripe if it was a simple case of $1?

i live in woodlands. its not the easiest and most geographically accessible place in the SG to live in(im just saying that cos it takes forever to go anywhere) but im almost grateful for our world-class transport and road system. it makes it abit more tolerable.

this is my transport costs to go to work:
$0.64/bus trip to woodlands interchange.
$1.28/2-way trip.
$1.37/train trip to jurong east
$2.74/2-way trip.
total (train+bus) = $4.02/day.

Grand Total = $88.44 for 22 working days in June. (using my ez-link card ofcos. in cold cash, it would be: $105.60!)

that is if i just go to work and back EVERYDAY and not go out at all for that month. say, i work in changi (not ridiculous cos i have a fren who works there and she stays in Choa Chu Kang. ) :

$1.28/2-way bus trip to interchange.
$3.44/2-way train trip to pasir-ris.
$1.28/2-way bus trip to changi(provided its a feeder bus).
total (train+bus) = $6.00/day

Grand Total = $132 for 22 working days.(without ez-link it would be: $162.80!!!)

yes, again, this are my total transport costs if i just go to work and back EVERYDAY and NOT go out for the whole month. (u sure u can tahan?)

ok, how about if i add 1 meal/day? not all of us work office hours so maybe u can skip lunch but wat about dinner (or vice-versa)?

lets put it as:

$2.50/plate of something [(1) im not sure if such meals are widely available or even edible. (2) thats why i pack my own food)
$0.70/coffee or tea or ice water
thats $3.20/meal a day.
22 work days = $70.40.

adding it all up would make it $202.40 just to go to work. Lets say, a clerk:

earns $1200 (yes, some people do earn such amounts u ignoramus!) per month and
after CPF cut = $960
$960 - $202.40 = $757.60

woohoo! u'v got $700+ to spend on urself! after a whole month of being cooped up in ur house, eating horrible meals every day, its time to enjoy the fruits of ur labour!

wait a min, u say. how about ur bills? depending on how many commitments ur responsible for lets put aside $200 for any miscellaneous expenditures (ie, hp + internet bills). that leaves you with $557.60.

for the single you, it would be fine i guess. even bearable. how about those with school-going children?

the cost of living can sometimes make you wonder how this families can make ends meet. maybe they don't. or maybe they just get by however they can. either way, these people do exist and they do need help.

we have to take note that not all of us are blessed with a full set of limbs, a platinum spoon surgically implanted in our mouths, have loving children caring for us in our twilight years, or have a bank account to last 3 retirement cycles. some of us are just where we are by circumstance. No, really.

so whats my point here?

For a lot of you, those figures above may mean nothing. Mere pocket change. But for afew, they might mean a better day’s meal or an opportunity for a sibling to go to school.

Singapore dear Singapore…

You tell me to upgrade but I can only get a study loan if I earn $2500/mth.

My guarantor too.

If I earn that much, why would I want anything from you?

Its like telling me to learn how to fish but you’re putting fences around the ocean.

Back to my point. (which by now im not so sure anymore!)

How much do I have to earn to live comfortably?

How about my children? How’s their story gonna be like?

Should I even worry now? Or can i do it later?

I guess im blessed that there is always food on the table and my fridge is never empty. But my family’s not well-to-do. We get by with God’s graces and the traditional hard work.

Fortunately, i’ve set my eyes on a few goals. God-willing, everything might just turn out fine.


[The author is a singaporean whose proud of his country's successes and is all for its aim for progress but he wishes it would not be at the cost of its citizens inevitably living hand-to-mouth. He believes more can be done for the needy and unfortunate. He feels that the cost of living is high and would only get higher. And he wishes the relevent authorities would act soon to provide solutions or assistance for the many families who are in need. The needy maybe whispering now. Lets not wait till their screaming.]

Justice was served...cold!

[ i screamed and jumped and hopped my hop of joy around the huge screen at clarke quay wit my top wrapped around my head like ronaldo's goal was mine. celebrations all around as finally, portugal advanced through as how they deserved to! HaHA! Victoryyy!!! ]

to all u english supporters (wankers, as how i affectionately calls them), u and ur pompous selves can suck aSS! - this is especially for my friend Awie who's adamant that gary lineker and paul gascoine should have been introduced. (don't ask me why)

now, all we need is just to stop the DJs from playing the atrocious England's-Gonna-Win-The-
World-Cup song! FD and Glenn...do take note.

and to my other friend who burst into tears when C.Ron scored, im so sorry they weren't of joy. on 2nd thot, BWAHAHAHAHA! u and ur german-blooded-but-im-supporting-english-tonight-cos-my-red-dress-says-so can join Awie and suck aSS! (again, mine preferably!)

as for the other game that nite. i would have bet on anything thats against France. Italy...eat them pls.

Thank you Portugal for making WC 2006 so memorable. i have never watched anything so suspenseful and nerve-wrecking. and i didnt even bet!

im thinking of catching the Semis at clarke quay again and the Finals at the padang! anyone interested???? Tag ok?!?!

probably watching england vs portugal tonight at clarke quay again. good atmosphere and fantastic crowd, not to mention the considerably-affordable drinks.

come join! its at the centre of the square, sumwer near onenightstand,haagen-dasz - u'll see the huge screen and the huge crowd!

this is the scene when argentina took on germany for the penalty kick showdown. everyone got to their feet..i lmost peed from the suspense.

hundreds held their breath!

so yes, i have no idea who the organiser was but they really made WC 2006 one-helluva blast!

Thank you organiser people!

Sigh...

Im not gonna hear the end of it.