don't make me alarm you to death!

i was msn-ing wit my fren who's staying in bangkok and he told me there was another assassination attempt on the Thai PM.

apparently the copycat bomber had placed a car battery, fuses and an alarm clock in a paper bag and left it near the PM's residence.

i couldnt help it but i instantly laughed hard at the mention of the alarm clock.

correct me if i'm wrong but i don't think you should give someone u hate an alarm clock. or a car battery. unless of cos, u hurl both items at them.

watched too many movies la this one.

he might as well wrap a few hotdogs and call them dynamite!

the only thing dangerous abt the whole "lethal" cocktail of junk was if someone had tripped over it. (which i seriously think that was how it was discovered)

on a more somber note however, the intended message had been sent - watch your step. no, seriously, i mean, watch out. if intimidation was his objective then i guess he might have achieved it.(2 threats in a week is no joke man!) cos no matter how crude, amusing or chapalang his means are, the PM could never take the death threat lightly. especially if it spells death by alarm clock explosives.

Yes, i am amused but pls, dont get me wrong. i do not advocate the use of force or violence for any reasons whatsoever. May the culprit be caught and brought to justice. Looking back at his terror-tactics, that should not take too long.

U sure not that one Japan?

We were given a crude map of the world last night to map out the distribution routes of a make-believe company. All i saw were squiggly lines.
It wasn't long before the fun starts (a conversation between me and Mr Z. i woold like to forget this ever happened.):

"New Zealand how come so upstair?"

"Dat one Japan la.."

"Den Australia where?"

"Above New Zealand la."

"Waa...so big ah Australia? Look like China sumore..."

"Oi..dat one China la!! Down here!"

"How u know? U go der before ah?"

"Never, but i got see map before mah.."

"If never see before how u know?" trying to irritate me - as always.

"u got see ur brain before?" yes its old, but im sure he hasn't heard it.

"No" sounding quite surprised.

"u sure its there?" smiling at him as he waved me off

"yala yala, u smart la. help me dowan, muz say i brainless sumore. i noe i abit slow.." pretending to wipe some tears.

"later u just copy, dis one only quiz"

"you der best la bradder!"


i learnt 2 things that day - its very hard to teach 30-somethings geography and students will always copy their homework, no matter what the age.

My precious.........

Bb bought me a ring the other day cos i lost the previous one for not adhering to safety issues in a pleasantly hot and wet physical activity involving Bb, digging and lots of arching of the face to the sky open-mouthed.

I should be more careful the next time we swim. And Bb swims like a fish...drowning. All splash but no movement. But must give credit for effort. Especially for her i will prepare those cute teeny red floats to attach to her arms.

The sand stole my ring when i made my Sentosa Cove styled sand-bungalow (castles are so last millennium). I dug a nice swimming pool all u noe? Shaped like a nut so i can call it "my kacang pool" to irritate Bb. And did i mention it as a safety issue? Cos i didn't hear the end of it when Bb found out.

ANYWAY, yes, the ring. We got it from a nice little shop at Lot 1. The salesgirl asked if i wanted to have something engraved for an extra $5. it seemed like a wonderful idea so i wrote down PearLyta on a piece of paper for her.

I do not know about you but i don't think my handwriting is anything like a Doctor's cos (1) i take pride in how my handwriting looks as it facilitates effective communication (cheh..listen...and...obey u messy writers) and (2)im no Doctor (unless requested by Bb ofcos).

I was so careful that I even wrote it down very very slowly so as not to screw it up cos the ring we bought was the last one that had my size. But as u can already guess, shit must and most definitely will, happen.

When Bb took the ring from the engraver (heh..Bb wanted me to wait outside while she brought the "surprise gift" out), she was apologizing profusely. Abit odd I thought, shouldn't they be thanking her?

When Bb broke the news to me I couldn't decide on being amused or mad.


My lovely PearLyta had mutated into Pear Lyta. A fruit and a tool for lighting ciggies. Adding insult to injury, the letters were all over the place.

I went in and demanded my refund from Evil Engraver from hell. Evil Engraver blamed it on the Engrave-ee as it had a rounded surface. And the Engraver-er (the innocent machine) for not cooperating.

"So I paid $5 for a mistake that u made? Are you trying to say that I lost $5 just becos Evil Engraver, Engrave-ee and Engraver-er could not get along?" I bellowed tho not in those exact words. "And were u drunk while carving it out?"

Cutting a short argument shorter, I went out of the shop with my $5 and a brand new mutilated ring. "It's not bad unless u look real close." Bb tried consoling me.

Right...

Still, thanks for the wonderful gift Bb dear. Very sweet of u (as always). Btw Bb, to take some positives out of that experience, you have a new nick now. Or two since they're 2 words.

Which nick do u prefer?

Should i or shouldn't i?

In a most unusual and uniquely unconventional development in my mood today, i have decided to write about something common and mainstream but nonetheless serious. At least to me it is.

~

Topic of discussion (by a panel of distinguished members consisting of Me and a Mirror):

Your friend is engaged in a potentially harmful (physically & emotionally) 3-way affair (love triangle) - Should you give him your 10cents worth? Please comment.

Answer:-

(a) Probably when i'm drunk. Cos i did and it conveniently stuffed itself back in my arse.

On a more sober note, it'd be perfect if i can openly say what i feel or think without having my opinions or suggestions eat into his ego or pride(the difference being...?). But how can it not if you're verbally-stomping on a probable life decision?

How do you weigh the necessary and filter the trivial?

Short of sounding like a nag, you are obligated to give a rat's ass on what he's deciding because after all - despite the impending doom his decision might bring upon him - he is your friend.

On the contrary however, it is his life. And the best things do not come without risk. How ironic when at the same time you're gambling on the relationship.

Looking back, i have never opened myself up to my friends nor anyone in particular. Not even those closest to me. Therefore i expected a lot of awkwardness in facing such a situation. But time has taught me to cherish relationships. And im grateful that that line had been crossed before, albeit a totally unexpected outcome. I realised my friend just needed a bit more time to get life back in order.

A few weeks ago he said, "Take it easy. I hope to see you guys still together when i come back." I blushed. Don't get me wrong but guys don't normally get such things from other guys. At least i don't. Instantly i recalled the open squabbles me and Bb had. Made me appreciate what i have but wished he also shared. How sincerity warms you up like rays of a rising sun.

It seemed natural letting the conversation end after that. Maybe he feels the same way?

Short...

Sweet...

Apt.

Now it's my turn. To show him the light, its embrace and the overwhelming warmth a few sincere words can give. That's the plan.

[I do realise that so far, i am not answering the question, nor am i remotely close to adressing the issue. Still, penning these thoughts down gave me so much satisfaction.]

I have yet to decide on what to say to him. But i will. Cos he is a friend, and a bloody great one at that. I believe i owe it to him that much.

Now, if only i knew when i should start with all this?

Size does matter!

I cannot tahan already. There are certain things that u can tolerate and others that u simply cannot ignore. When push becomes shove, shit will hit the fan till the fat lady stops singing. Im serious here.

Taking the bus just now I feel like the transport authorities have beef wit me. Its not my fault im built this way. And i dont blame it on anyone that i have such extremities. But pls, have mercy on my tired shoulders and worn feet.

I'm very grateful that our buses, cabs and trains are almost always air-conditioned, and their schedules are arguably impeccable. This small nation can even teach a thing or two to other countries on how to build an efficient and reliable public transport system. For that im proud.

But why, Mr Bus Big Boss? why do you force such torturous,wicked almost inhuman behavior to us Sons of Singapore, day-in-day-out? The fares now are nothing to laugh about but i always feel shortchanged when i try to make full use of what i paid.

*sob*

forgetit la, i know im not being heard. This is such a waste of time..

*sniff*

But for the sake of my other vertically exaggerated comrades, i, no, WE, have a small request to make be it we'r heard or not.

Pls..oh please..pleaaaase can u make the seats bigger? I cannot fit.

[there is no room for me legs. and me is tired of spreading out me balls to the other seat just to make meself comfy. So if u happen to sit next to me then too bad cos half ur ass will be spilling over so its fair. ]

Cut the crab!

Went to Bb's place and got myself crabs. I meant the kind that u eat.

Interestingly enough those little bugggers look like, according to Bb's mom, a Power Ranger monster.

They look like crabs without love-handles. So bantot.

Taste-wise their ok i guess, tho abit stringy. Like crab-flavoured putu-mayam. And i was let down by their puny claws. Imagine me with baby arms. Like, very kesian rite? Don't talk about self-defense la, wana dig nose also cannot.

I think they are a cross between a Circular Crab and a Stone Crab (<-- dont really care cos its more important if its fried, boiled or stewed) but i shall call it LCP Crab. As in Lemak Cili Padi Crab. Sounds better and im sure as hell its gonna taste great.

Feel free to drop by my place later for a smell. Nope, not even a miserable claw.

jb or bust. Heh..me loves busts...

I guess i should pen things down since its still kinda fresh. U can never trust a forgetful mind or a 2yr-old with $700 headphones.

Met "ii", Dimas's gf, (ok, this was how she intro-ed herself when she sms-ed me before we met up. Does it sound like aye-aye, eeee-eeee, or eeeeeee? Its the 2nd one.)at woodlands mrt and we took 950 to cozway.

I initially wanted to make my way there alone, cos i'd hate to escape a kidnap(i would cos its just too troublesome to try and run-off with a 6+ft, 90 kilo man) and have to explain why i ran and cowered like a girl when the "bad people" took their daughter away. I am very responsible, when i can help it.

Prior research on the route of my journey returned less than desirable results. Google maps do not have any of JB. So i turned to an old fren who happens to have one feet in that land.

Aza: Its near Stulang.
Me: Sop Tulang? No thanks, just ate.
Aza: Stulang la! Tell cab driver its near the marine police docks.
Me: So i can just walk from the docks rite?
Aza: Take cab cannot go hotel stret isit?
Me: Wat if go tottally diff place?
Aza: Then i take care of ur gf la.

Bitch.

Still he was nice enuff to update me cos he also added in tips for the noob JB traveller. He said i should not take the cabs right after the Malaysian customs. Something abt those particular cabbies chopping off heads. Think its the price. Anyway he said the ones behind Mobil is better and try to get them to use the meter.

With such comprehensive info, im suddenly filled with enthusiasm and almost looking forward to the journey there. Until i reached the Malaysian customs.

Cutting a long story short(yeah rite!):- (in no particular order or merit)

1. i hallucinated in the non-ventilated queue. (dam sure everyone was swaying to some music)
2. saw an old lady beat up a man for queue-jumping. (The prick deserved it.)
3. was behind a super-inconsiderate old-F*%K smoking in the queue oblivious to the numerous stares at him making me uncomfy like i was the culprit. (should have called that lady over)
4. stopped a family of four from trying to sneak past me and glared at the dad for masterminding the hostile takeover.(tip: if sneaking, do not move in chain, push me, the person ur sneaking from, away and if possible, keep very quiet. and not smiling at me sheepishly would also help.)
5. had to use my bath towel to dry myself cos, and i repeat, the place was non-ventilated.

it took 1 1/2hrs for us to clear customs. I expected longer cos i was really hoping to see someone collapse from heat exhaustion or something. Try standing inside a portaloo in the midday heat. Add in some sweet-sweet armpit stink from 200 different blokes and ur there. i was even thankful to have a breeze of exhaust fumes blowing my face when i finally cleared.

I tried catching a cab near Mobil but apparently they thought my destination was too near. One said he wants to go further. If he does then wat does that got to do with me? U want u go urself la. Just send me then after that u can drive urself to China for all i care.

When i got in the cab, finally, the ride lasted a fantastic 10mins. Like, from Bedok North to Bedok South. Waliewwww...burst my bubble sia! I tot how far! The damage? RM5.20! I got sent to my destination in a very well-maintained, clean, air-conditioned, polite, helpful and ever smiling cabbie for a price that would only got me about half the length of my dick if i had taken one from SG! I shall stop here abt our SG cabbies.

I was so happy the cabbie did not send me off to Patpong to be the most popular male prostitute that i gave him all of RM6 and told him to keep the change. Cannot say i not generous ok? 80cents still money ok?(anyway, Dimas said i can claim the fare!)

Eddy said the band is gonna reach around 1pm. Dimas said it'll be 2. Time check = 2.15pm. They reached at 3.15pm.Luckily ii and i were smart as we plopped ourselves down at a nearby kopitiam and had our lunch while waiting. I was so tempted to ask for "Fresh orange satu?" a la typical of 80s / 90s Malay Dramas but I settled for iced coffee and mee goreng pedas giler instead.

[at this point the writer realised that the story is taking too long. Like 2-days-worth-of-writing-long so he's gonna TRY to cut short whenever possible from now onwards. God help him]

Saturday had a lot of prep work and i only got to meet the lads during dinner. Which was superb cos there was a buffet and me loves buffets. Atip and i had only 2 tablespoons of rice on our plates but filled it with as much lauk as possible. Atip even got a whole foot-long fish to himself. I only half-heartedly let go of mine cos i couldnt fit it onto the plate. Stupid plate, should have got myself a tray.

Guess wat the smart organisers organised(makes sense?) for SO7 and Bhumi after dinner? Futsal. Or street soccer. Or an elaborate attempt to make us puke our guts out after eating belly-busting amounts of free food.(apparently SO7 loves Futsal.)

Awi and Atip tried shooting but the ball went everywhere except its intended target. And i honestly thought they could play! Wat a disappointment! They looked half-decent soccer players sia. I would have played if only i had my berms on. Which i did, but i was talking bout my OTHER nicer pair of berms. And anyway, i wouldnt wana show my skills. Wait people say i boastful. And ofcos, i had just eaten, which i know doctors advise to only involve in intense sporting activities after 2 hours of having a meal. So i was more concerned for my health than anything else.

Fine, the last time i attempted to kick a ball was in NS. which i totally missed. Cos i thought it was moving, but it wasn't. So i never played again. But i do watch soccer alot. So that should count...right? Right?

Fine, moving along.

Sunday nite was show day and both bands had their sound checks in afternoon. Guys, believe me when i say Bhumi have a great piece in one of their singles "Goda" - which is part of the soundtrack for the Malaysian movie Remp-it - so do check it out. Buy it when Bhumiband- Konspirasi Dunia is out in shelves. That is an order. Like, listen...and....obey?

Catch the bands this weekend, 20th Aug, at KL - Bukit Jalil Stadium if u wana have a preview of the tracks dat'll be out in the album. And yes, SO7 did not disappoint too. Worth every dollar! So go see, go see!

[I got pics but they're in Eddy's cam so stay tuned!]

Lets get lost...

Like in the iTalian job, Mr Napster always wanted a sound system to blow women's clothes off. hopefully mine would arrive in 1 piece next week. i am going to make sure when i play my music, woodlands will nod their heads together with me.

but i dont think i should configure it to garment-destroying mode. lest i want the whole family watching dvd..naked.

i feel very eeky now.

~

will be goin to JB for the weekend and catch atip and the rest of the guys for their concert. actually SO7's concert. bhumiband's opening for them so i got to be a crew. coolness rite? get paid to carry a few things and listen to nice music.

Now all i need to do is find out how to get there. I was told to take a cab once im in jb. do i keep sticking my hand out once im after the Malaysian checkpoint? last thing i need is to be stuffed in a boot and wake up in Patpong.

My mom suggested taking 950 to Larkin then take a cab from there. Sure not mom? ask me go KL i know la..dis one go JB then give some dodgy hotel adress. waliew...so near yet so leceh. anybody got car can gimme ride tomorrow morning? need to be at this Hotel b4 1pm. bike oso can.but pls make sure got engine.im willing to pay..$10 enuff not? anything tag or if can, call me!

Sigh..Im such a desperate noob.

Unfortunately Bb couldnt join me. She couldnt take leave. Im sure it would be doubly fun if she was around. Since i cant find my own way, i guess its a bit safer that way. rite, something like dat.

i m so gonna get lost.

oh well my dear fwens, if i do get lost...and get ass-poked, bound and sold off as a male prostitue somewhere up north [the best one im sure!], i hope you all remember me as the sexy specimen of the perfect male form and take good care of my Bb.

till next week people...



i Love you la Bb! [snuggle-snuggle, romos idong kat leher..]

Anyhow follow people!

Oh wow...did anybody catch the fireworks at Esplanade on National Day?

No?

Neither did i.

Kanasai kanna punked...

Be nice and say Hi. Only.

Sorry abt my previous post. I shall 'try' to be less angry. But some people are animals. And one of the things i learned from Bb is to be kind to animals.

Been kinda busy nowadays. By that i mean im lazy. So back off.

~

An old fren, Ryhan, linked me up. He looked so good now cos he lost lotsa weight and im jealous so im gonna call him names like "mr papan" or "lamppost".

Ryhan and i was in TK from 95 to 98. surprising that we made it thru in 4 years considering the amount of time we spent NOT paying attention. Come to think of it, a lot of us went to skool to gather more kakis to do everything but study.

Now before i get ahead of myself, i have to make it clear that me n Ryhan are not the bestest of frens. We didn't hang out ALWAYS but we did go to the same Poly and we did hang out often.

We connected at a certain level but it never got to the part where we can readily call ourselves best buddies. We used to talk a lot about music (Kurt, Hetfield and Ozzy needed followers..so we were their humble subjects). As teen friends, i think we're good.

And as childhood friends go, they grow up so things they talked about last time do not seem appropriate or even relevent now. This days we bow our heads, smile and give the casual wave of acknowledgement. For a sec, u recalled moments when that person shared his/her homework, when the both of you laughed in unison at a dumb joke, or when you wore ur shoe around ur neck cos ur socks are not COMPLETELY white. U start to miss those days.

Well Ryhan reminds me a lot of those days. Him and afew others like Azim, Lam, Hafiz anak Ramlan (u rarely forget surnames in those days cos we made fun of our dads everyday! Hafiz's dad's "jual buku tak laku" and my dad's "jual sayor". I still don't gettit now but we laughed our balls off then. Hmm..wait, still do actually.), Norsyam, Ajiz, Choi and ofcos Atip.

On the few occasions that any 1 of us would do our homework, the unspoken agreement would be that it belonged to u and everyone else. Thats y guys get along with each other better than girls. We share unconditionally. We trust each other so much we write THEIR names on OUR copied assignments.

I remembered the many times our 'karangan' books got thrown out the window and we "action" ignorant until the books piled up outside the windows. And how we panicked when it started to rain.

Talking about 'karangan', i can so recall how we start our stories so fascinatingly but almost always finished our tales very abruptly. Its always a case of somebody dying a sudden death or the writer waking up from his "nightmare". I believe it takes skill to end a 300-word story with only 2 sentences. 98% of the time given to write it was spent on intro and content so we never could make a nice conclusion to a story. This happens so many times to so many of us dat its normal.

Old friend: "Fandy, lincah, da nak kene hand-in." (waiting by the table for my exercise book)
Me: "Huh? Lagi baper minit tinggal?"
Old friend: "Smuer dabes, engko jer! Cikgu cakap saper tak antar lagik 1 minit dier kasi fail"
Me: "Fail?!!"

Karangan:- ".....cinta Hamidah utk Hamid bak menatang si orang minyak. Hamid sedang telanjang, berbelang, terkangkang di tepi longkang.....(and the compulsory twist in every story)tetapi tiba-tiba Hamid tersungkuh masok ke dalam gaung dan hilang buat selama-lamanya. Hamidah nangis."

Every story must have a Shyamalan twist to it so i can safely say he must have got his materials from our exercise books. Notice the last sentence? Still can have abit of drama thrown in.

Sigh...

Its so hard talking to some of my old pals nowadays. While some have totally changed, others would look exactly as they would, wearing the old uniform.

When you lose that bond, that connection, i guess its harder to strike up a meaningful or comfortable conversation.

Its always awkward for me meeting an old acquaintance. After greeting and nodding and smiling and embracing, we would end up in the "so-now-wat" zone. U noe, the "i look at u, u look at me, we smile again ( like receive award liddat ), and depending on the situation, we ask each other's destination or respective occupations."

and it normally takes a less than 5-word answer before we're on our way again. Thats all. Its obvious the both of us have nothing in common to carry on after that. and im beginning to tire of smiling so much.

Here's a suggestion: lets just do the wave and smile thingy only..steady boh?

Being in an awkward situation is like me singing to Paris Hilton's single. I always feel quilty afterwards.

U my old fren wat...so lets make a deal - The bigger the smile the more i like you. So if u see me rubbing my eyebrows on my cheeks, be sure that ur one of the best few.

Boy am i digressing. Was talking about Ryhan actually. And unlike some people i know or knew, i can always approach this dude. Don't know why. We sure got something more than 5 words in our conversations. Yes, we do actually catch-up. Though i can't remember much what he is up to now (bro, remember the thing we did that time?am i right or am i right when i said it would cause memory loss?)i believe he is alive and kicking. No seriously, he was a good fren and i can say he still is.

And i am dedicating this to all my old mates who had come and gone. No matter which school or class or island u came from. Thank you for just for being there. We were young, impressionable and naïve. Nothing less from a teen right?

i'm glad none of u ended up WANTED or exiled. Though i would hate it, i actually hope some of u would come forward and say Hi whenever our paths cross. Esp those who were quite close to me. Don't worry i use deodorant now.

And move on after that cos a Hi means that u acknowledge i exist. It also means ur a nice polite person. Anything more and ur making me uncomfortable.

Right, would love to continue (by this i mean i won't. Ever.) but im too tired so have a nice day kawan-kawan lama ku!


I feel.........................good.


[For those of u who were not mentioned, it wasn't intentional nor are u forgotten. It is hard not to be nostalgic when u recall all the faces u have come across throughout your teen years. No, we did not go through years of shit or saved each other's lives but we made memories. And wonderful memories make us see some good in past mistakes which helps us to become better people. Something like dat. My only regrets are not getting to know u guys better. And mixing with the rich ones.]