Never say Goodbye...

Here i am again to pen my thoughts cos she's going over very soon. Next week to be exact. And i bet next week will come real quick.

I'm starting to feel Its presence. Also known as Forlorn or Desolate, i shall try to distance myself from It. But leaving misery's company is never easy.

Will try.

My thoughts: Controlling It would be easier if i can pinpoint an emotion at any particular time but i cannot because there are so many feelings coming and going.

My mind's a runway: landing and leaving; nothing is ever there for long. And the fleeting thoughts are like the millions of transiting passengers who arrive on our shores daily.

I may vaguely recognize a face, but the stranger's gone before i can recall a name.

Affections, Longing, Embrace, Love, Loss - they have all shown their mugs at one time or another. Taunting me to expect them to make a longer stay next time around. But i am turning a blind eye, or merely showing my back on their visits. Because honestly, i do not have the strength. The least bit of strength to face any one of them.

And when anyone of them manages to make eye contact, the questions start flooding:-

Where do i turn to if i need advice?

Now who would give me that shoulder to lay my tired head on?

And if all else fails, where is that embrace, that hug or that miracle cure, that would take away all things bad and leave us both smiling because it is never bad as long as the hug is ours?

What if i don't need a hug, a kiss, nor even an assuring grip of your fingers - but a smile? A smile that could melt the hardest hearts.

Am i saying i will try to face all that? WE will face all that? Every morning? Or night?

For five years we have relied on each other's presence to carry us on. Day after day we hear each other's voices, smell one another's smell and touch one another's skin. Having at least one of that every single day helps us survive. It makes each tiring day a breeze.

There will be none of that when i wake up next Friday....

Can i try to adapt?

I do not have the strength nor the courage to face them head-on. That i confess. As solid as i may sound or look or even carry myself, there are a lot of things that i do worry and am very much concerned about. I may not show it but, as i said, they are the passengers whom i show my back to.

It may not be recommended but ignorance has kept me sane all this while. And that, in part, i have to thank you Bb dear. For keeping the love strong during our toughest times and distracting me from my worries.

Remember our date at Milennia Walk 5 years ago? We took our first dance while i sang you a ballad. And we smiled one of our biggest smiles ever. The memory is still vivid because it was one of our finest moments. I will cherish that no matter where you go or what you do.

I will make it up to you dear. I want to give you so much but i couldn't. I want to take care of you as how you took care of me whenever i was sick; but you'd be too far away. And as useless as how you think of me sometimes, i do know that i make you happy.

So for now, this is the best that i can do. I should be supporting you, not only because it is my responsibility but because you deserve this more than anyone i know.

Its a sacrifice we have to make for the plans we want to achieve. Thank you dear for keeping it together all this years.

All the above questions i have said do not deserve an answer. It affects me as much as it affects you dear. We have our own ways of managing it but i guess our goals are similar. To get by one day at a time. Until our next rendezvous.

I wish you a safe journey always and the best of luck in your career. Be good and stay strong. Look after your health and take your meds when required.

In all truthfulness, I am not looking forward to your departure date; but i'll keep a lookout for your next arrival. Because frankly my dear, you're the only one worth waiting for. And absence, as they all would say, can only make me love you more.

Prepare for MY arrival sometime in 2007 ok?


[Bb, writing this down really made me very sad. And i am sure it'd upset you too. I'm so sorry yayang. But you need to know. So I will share with you my smiles and my frowns. Bit by bit.]