Exams are so over-rated!

I have an exam in 13hrs time and I can't seem to find my bearings amongst the massive wave that are my essay "hints".

I am drowning in its overlengthinesseseseses due to my lecturer's unsympathetic and, if I may add, deliberate, decision to put his chunky paragraphs in a manner that would definitely bemuse and frustrate his students. ME especially.

Thanks but no thanks Mr Lecturer for bestowing upon us a comprehensive compilation of "hCiRnAtPs" for our exam. Unfortunately your students would not be able to decipher the labyrinth-ian essays that you have offered as sample answers.

In short, we're clueless looking at your clues.

For eg: Briefly describe the five transport modes, based on their economic and service characteristics.

Answer: 3 full pages of blinding, mirage-inducing, hallucinative text!

Me: Brief my ass!

I was expecting 5 points with a few sentences to elaborate each point therefore taking a total of 2/3 of a page. Not 3 bloody text-full pages! How the hell am I gonna remember 3 pages of text? I can't even remember my lecturer's name!

See where I'm driving at here guys? I'm not the King of Bullshit for nothing but you simply cannot bluff your way through 3 pages of facts. Not that I haven't tried though. I gave a 3-page essay answer for my Geography Prelims in Sec 4 and all I got was 2 glorious marks. Out of 25. My teacher could smell the crap after my first line.

I learnt my lesson after that cos if you wanna bluff, you have to atleast make sure you're heading in the general direction. Not a cliff somewhere. And confidence, yes people, the simple belief in one's own powers and ability, is the key. Even if you're talking way out of point (don't worry, you'll notice. Its as apparent as how I'm feeling it ever so strongly now) you have to construct it in such a way that it is the truth and therefore, as how truths inevitably go, it shall set you free. Or something like that. If it's long enough (if your wrists aren't cramped, it's not enough), or if you're as good as I am, who knows, you might get points for effort. And points my friend, are not really a bad thing as it could be the difference between a few hundred dollars every month or that slippery promotion you'd always been aiming for.

Pardon my dodgy advice laddies but I can't help freaking out. And recalling Bb's comments about me not being a good liar only makes everything so bloody complicated now.

I'm even considering writing the answers on invisible ink on my arm but I wouldn't know what to answer if the invigilator asked me why I'm reading my elbow. But if it's really invisible then how to see? My skin so dark sumore. And looking at how small my biceps are, I'd have to squeeze 8-pages of answers right down to my crotch. I can already imagine the headline, "Student fondling own crotch during exam. Charges pending outcome of investigation."

Maybe this would give u a better picture.

I must not fail. And getting arrested would be so inconvenient.

I'm desperate.

I need help - no, a miracle.

Shit, maybe I should just go traditional.

Sigh...

I guess I'd have to go study now.


Last but not least, incase u guys have other ideas, I do remember my lecturer's name. He's called Sir, so back off.

Eye want to break free!

was forced by Dr Chen this morning to go for my follow-up cos he was worried abt my eye. he had his nurse call me at 7.30 to remind me of the appointment. 7.30? Ungodly! (considering i fell asleep only 3hrs b4 dat)

for all u speccies out there,i dare you to try out this experiment:

1. hold your specs, with both hands, in front of you.
2. make the lenses face you.
3. now slowly let ONE (doesn't matter right or left) lens, touch your currently oily cheek/nose/forehead/neck/wok.
4. see the smudge on your lens? i noe u have the urge to quickly wipe it away but hold on a sec,i did tell you this was an experiment didn't i?
5. Experiment: Wear that one-sided,stained spec for a day.

as you noe, it is already super irritating having a tiny spec of crap on your lens; try having it blurry one side.

freaking nuisance man. its like a smudge that'd never go away!

can i take my eyeball out and scrub it in the sink?please...or can sumone lend me an eye?

Eyes, eyes...Bb!

So, good news or bad news first? Let's announce the bad one first so you can leave on higher note.

My eyes are swollen. They swelled up due to prolong use of my contacts. Which my family doctor, Dr Chen, matter-of-factly described as - and I quote, " ..strangling your eyes off oxygen by wearing contacts longer than the instructed length recommended. Did you strangle your eyes last night Affandy?"

I said yes with the saddest expression I can give. As guilty as the kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar. I pulled my hands off the table half-expecting a smack on my palm.

He flipped out his blowtorch and instructed me to look left, right and up and down while he barbequed my now prune-shaped eye. Technically, the instrument he was using is called a torchlight but the light was cooking my corneas so yah, it was a blowtorch cos the examination was excruciating.

A half-pint of tears later I was diagnosed with medium bacterial infection on my left eye. That's what he told me though I think its medical term is something like Matabengkakiosa Sakitmanymanyingitis.

This was how it looked.

see...crying u noe! pain sia..

ugly like bird! (the eye only..)

So now, lest I wanna be blind for the rest of my life, I decided to get specs. Yes, the traditional way for myopics, presbyopics or hyperopics.

And this is me, now. Very 1998 but I must say, still - not bad, not bad.

~

And now we have come to the happier, more positive side to this entry. What else would it be of but my Bb! It has taken her abit over a month but now she has got her wings! Or something like that. Nonetheless, CONGRATS!!

Princess Habibi? Habooby? Hubba-hubba?

Really miss her and things are really not getting better by the day but we're hanging on so that’s great.

Can't wait for u to be back here in SG dear. Till then, there's a dark, overweight, half-bald, swollen- eyed, flatulent Malay boy waiting here for you. I know u prefer me this way so I'll keep it up for your sake. Heh..

Tadaaaah...

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." You guys miss me, right? No excuses for going AWOL but nothing really interesting nowadays la..same shit different day.

There is light at the end of the sewer though. I gots meself a webcam! A cute white thingymajig that sits like a dove on my black LCD. It makes the deal a whole lot sweeter cos I gets to see Bb LIVE everytime on MSN. Nothing beats looking at your significant other digging her ears - practically real-time - and listening to her bitch about her new colleagues. Makes me all warm inside thinking about it.

But I almost could not decide on a cam because, and did you know, there are a lot of things on sale at Sim Lim. Like, a LOT. I'm not kidding. I was in Shamie heaven.

And you know those flierflies? Of course you do, you shun them like their handing out bombs. I, on the other hand, take these fliers because I am curious and who knows, there might be a good deal somewhere. (I'm so gonna get scammed one of these days) But more often than not, I'm left confused. Because 99% of the time these "promotions" have got nothing to do with me. Like an offer I got for a girdle which was going for 70% off. (I would have bought it if they had it in black.) So why do I still take them? Because they are working people like you and me and furthermore, its just a piece of paper. Cut them some slack. Singapore got so many rubbish bins so disposing of it is not a problem. (However, on a more serious note, I believe they are employed by the government to train us to stop littering. Or maybe even spy for potential litter bugs. Sneaky li'l bastards.)

It was no different in Sim Lim. I got so many fliers I could sell it to a karanguni man and bought myself a CANON EOS 40D Camera. Better still a new keyboard. But I didn't, because I barely knew how to work my microwave let alone a pro Digi cam and a keyboard seems too cheap but that wasn't my mission. I needed a webcam.

To cut this story short, I found it after a 2-hour feet-busting search. Not because there are a lot of models but because every shop had a different take on how much each item had to be sold. For example, I bought mine for about $49. The dodgy shop directly opposite was selling the same model at $67.

Wah..anyhow whack price. Next time go must open eyes ok?

~

It's good to hear Bb adapting well over there. Her appetite's improving and last I heard she had been cooking.

Wah seh..cooking sia. Like, cannot believe liddat ah? Ask me for recipe sumore u know? Can already imagine her holding a spatula like Steffi Graf (tennis player. You're welcome.) and moving side to side swatting the oils leaping from the pan. Or togged out in full-body armour.

Must cook for me one of these days ok? If I'm like, silent, that means I'm totally blown away by the meal. But do check on me in case I'd slipped into a coma. Hehe..

Bb's got her own apartment now. Technically she only has a room but she had decorated it with a bright ball and some flowers. Nvm..still got time to work on it. Been busy right dear? Since it's your most favourite space right now, have fun making it yours. When can I romp around on your comfy-looking bed?

~

Is it just me or is every one getting married?

Ok stop. I'm re-evaluating my time and finances (won't take too long this one) because I have my weekends practically planned out for me. There's a couple tie-ing a knot somewhere every end of the week so yah..i would be too tired to go ZoukOut and too broke to celebrate anything.

Oh well, what are friends for huh?

The food better be good.

~

Last but not least:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to announce that as of last Thursday, Mr Fandy-san, upon completion of his RT at Khatib FCC, has lost a total of 4.3kg.

Thank you.

Mr Fandy-san:

Thank you, thank you..

First and foremost, I would like to thank my PTIs. They have tried, but failed to kill me every training session.

The government, for without them, I would have no motivation nor any form of obligation whatsoever to pursue such demanding physical exertions. Btw, Singapore would be a shithole.

My family, for their encouragement by calling me Bonch.

My mom in particular, for coming up to me and poking her finger at my tummy apparently amusing herself at how deep it can penetrate before I realized she was actually poking me.

Bb, for giving me support by saying she'd prefer me fat. Which was the state I was in. I realized that now.

And most importantly, my body. For not giving up and not letting me die after every run, jump, pull and stretch.

To everyone concerned, from the heart of my bottom, Kawp Kun Ka!