5th May 2007, SIN -> DOH

What if I got stuck somewhere? What if I lost my luggage? What if I took the wrong transfer? What if they won't let me in their country?

I was quite nervous (major understatement) but quickly calmed myself down when those 3 letters floated, almost spiritually, in my head. Yes, as I said my prayers, I hope you can clear my mind. Give me order, give me clarity, please. I cannot panic, not now, not when so much is at stake.

DFS. How a simple concept can bring comfort and peace in the suakoo-est of travellers.

Found my Chivas, and snuffed a shriek as I saw the price. $41 - the price you pay before the government taxes your fun. I picked up the large 1-liter-of-love bottle and stopped myself from fondling it. Yes, we are going to have lots of fun aren't we my dear?

But curiosity took the better of me so I took a peek at its older, more "legal" brethren. Aged 18 years and $70 heavier on the pocket. Glancing at my wallet I decided otherwise:

Ego: Why would I want something so expensive when both would get me to the same place?

Adult Chivas: It is not a question of destination my friend, but how you want to get there.

It's making me feel like I'm stealing glances at the prettier elder sister when picking up the younger one.

I took the underaged sister cos u noe, the older they are, the higher the maintenance. And you know how that turns guys off.

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I got seat-jacked. A lady stole my window seat and feinted a nap when I trawled up beside her. Normally I wouldn't kick up a fuss but I had tried to get the more comfortable seat (beside the emergency exits - more leg room) but I couldn't and had to settle for the one BEHIND it - which had no difference to every other seat Miss Check-In Person, but anyway - I did not want to get my seat stolen the 2nd time round.

I tried the, "EHEM!" method. She replied with a blur stare. I asked, "Are you in the right seat, ma'am (always the gentleman this fandy)?" But she action didn't understand English. So I flipped out my boarding stub.

By now there were other passengers trying to squeeze between me and the 2 inches that was left of the aisle. I moved back into the emergency exit space and slipped my gargantuan haversack onto my feet. All the while staring at the woman who was still giving me a "surprised" stare.

"Don’t make me call the Crew, lady . Push comes to shove, I’ll sit on u." I muttered under my now up-tempo breath. I waved my stub, again smiling, at her and the lady beside her explained to her in Indonesian.

I knew she was Indonesian but I couldn't be bothered to express myself in Bahasa Indonesia then cos my grasp of that language was as limited as my patience.

She shoved the stub at me without bothering to take a 2nd look at what the whole misunderstanding was about. I'm not surprised it read 39K. "39K. That’s all the way back (pointing - near the toilets, I whispered), ma'am. This is 29K."

"And 29K, which is where you're napping, is MY seat."

I wanted to add, please remove yourself now, but couldn't because she gave me the legendary I-may-have-lost-the-battle-but-u-will-not-win-the-war reply: she rolled her eyes.

The fucker dared to roll her eyes at me! Before I could jump on her she was already packing her shit and making her way out. Leaving the bomb site messy seat all for me.

And if u thought that was it, no, because apparently I had disturbed a gathering of some sort. The worst kind. The female kind. So I was given a good stare down by the ladies surrounding my seat. I thought I heard a snarl when I was stuffing my bag in the cabin. I'm in their territory now. I had ruffled the pack of bitches (rightfully called). Crikey~

Finally, mustering the last bit of patience (and balls) I had left, I muttered a barely audible excuse me to the lady on the aisle seat (two seats, me - window and lady - aisle). I immediately regretted my insincere act of courtesy.

The aisle-seat-lady pulled back her shoulders. Like literally, only moved her shoulders. As if her shoulders were on her feet blocking the passage to my seat.

Now, this always happens to me; on a bus, a train, the cinema and sometimes the odd car ride (some people just hate sitting in the middle so u kinda get the gesture) so what do I do?

Doesn't matter where I am, who I'm with, if I'm in no mood to entertain ur non-existent civic-mindedness then don't blame me when my 90kg frame steamrolls ur feet or if my elbow kisses ur forehead. Which I did one peak-hour ride off City Hall. Deliberately stuck my elbows out as I alighted. The kiasu uncle never knew what hit him. What a pleasant way to end a chaotic day at the office. Sorry if u don't understand, but this only applies to people above 1.8m.

Right, back to the aisle-seat-lady. Sensing that it might be a tad too squeezy for me (Nooooooo…u think so, bitch?), she adjusted her knees. Of course, by adjusting I meant lifting it an inch off the ground. And I can swear she must have thought she had parted the Red Sea with that charitable gesture.

I smiled and knocked my knee to hers. Just enough to tell her that half my leg couldn't pass through her Mississippi River of Thoughtlessness. Apparently Lady No-Brain didn't get my signal. So I barged through. Deliberately stepping on her shoes, looked at them, and smiled back at her as I sat back.

All of which I didn't do, but wished I did, cos I'm too nice a guy. If only I realized how NICE can be so overrated.

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